“Happily Ever After” and Other Relationship Myths

“Rome wasn’t built in a day…And definitely NOT by one person” - Dr. Kumar Ramlall

When it comes to life and relationships, we are all trying to build our own personal Rome. And if we want to make it work (even if we won’t get it built in a day), it is clear that we will require the involvement of others.

There are rules that govern not only how we humans tick, but how we relate to one another. We are going to demonstrate here how these relationship rules in our business and personal lives have little to do with “Happily Ever After” and much more to do with getting more of what we want and less of what we don’t.

So, what is Rome to you?

Is it building a romantic relationship? A family? A business?

Building your own Rome is a huge undertaking. And to do anything massive requires moving people.

As Human Behavior Advisors, we know how humans relate. Each of us lives in an ever-expanding entangled web. It’s complex - we know. And how we interact with and relate to others has a massive impact on our lives.

The etymology of ‘relationship’ is instructive. It comes from the same roots as ‘relate’, deriving from RE- (do again) and LATUS (to be born from). It is interesting that the word ‘relationship’ harkens back to ‘returning to whence we were born’ or ‘to be born again’.

What can this mean, when for many, especially around Valentine’s Day, there is an overwhelming tendency to treat relationships as strictly concerned with romance?

The roots of the word refer to the underlying human need to ‘complete’ ourselves. To make ourselves whole again. You might have heard, or even might have said yourself, that your partner “completes you.” In some way, we perceive that this other individual makes us whole.

So if we are trying to build our unique version of Rome, then we are seeking that which will allow us to feel whole again, in order to accomplish that.

In business relationships, you will often see individuals seek out partners, to find relationships that fill out perceived deficiencies they might have.

They might, for instance, seek a ‘money partner’ to provide financing or access to funding. They might seek an ‘operating partner’ to help them turn their vision into a reality. In all cases, what is sought with a business relationship is the perceived missing part.

In romantic relationships, the same thing occurs.

When seeking a partner of the opposite sex, we are seeking to make the androgynous whole. When seeking same-sex partners, androgyny is still sought by way of socially typical masculine or feminine behaviors. Again, we hear that ‘my partner completes me’.

You may have heard the phrases “we seek people similar to us” and, paradoxically, “opposites attract”. Both, it turns out, are true. But how?

Most human relationships are governed by 2 sets of needs; Resource and Reproduction. Below are some examples which demonstrate this, and which also demonstrate how the apparently contradictory statements above are both accurate.

In our first example, let’s say that we are seeking a mate, and for the reasons above we are seeking someone who has what we don’t, in this case the opposite biological sex. At the same time, we are attracted to someone who we perceive as similar to us.

If we are interested in sports, any interest in sports, even feigned, becomes a reason to ‘like’ the other party. What we might call ‘infatuation’. During the infatuation phase (the hots), we are blind to the downsides of both parties being interested in the same things.

Who goes to work or produces when it is playoff season or you both want to watch the World Cup?

Eventually, resentment builds up to break down our infatuation with the things we were attracted to in the first place.

In all relationships where ‘likes attract’, we eventually come to see the downsides of the apparent similarities, and thereby break our infatuation with it. In this example, both parties are seeking opposites (biological sex, in this instance) and seeking similarities (interest in sports). The apparently contradictory statements are both accurate.

In our second example, let us consider a not-uncommon scenario where our human needs for resource and reproduction lead to a relationship and later strife.

We might seek a partner who is ambitious and hardworking, representing a resource for us. We would typically have no problems ‘selling this partner up’ on public forums, social media, etc. That is, until we realize that ambition and a predilection for hard work means that our partner is absent, traveling or working long hours, and does not contribute to the family in the way that we might prefer eg. by doing house chores or kid chores. The very thing that attracted us in the first place becomes the thing that causes resentment and complaints among our inner circle.

On the other hand, the partner who was initially drooled over and admired because they might be more interested in family, in reproduction, is eventually resented for not contributing more resources to the relationship.

While these descriptions might seem stereotypical, we have deliberately refrained from assigning genders. This pattern demonstrates rules that are perhaps most common among all relationships, and represent a constant rebalancing between the perceived relative importance of resource and reproduction, regardless of gender.

And so it turns out that the purpose of relationships is NOT to complete us, but rather to help us see that we were created whole in the first place. That we have within us both resource and reproduction, both masculine and feminine. And that those things we sought from others were within us all along.

The forms of resource and reproduction we bring to any relationship are unique to each of us, as are the forms provided by the other party. Each comes with equal doses of pains and pleasures.

Who here can say they are in a relationship and not have witnessed this firsthand? We will add the caution that if your relationship is new and remains in the steamy, infatuated phase then you might still be blind to the downsides. You have two choices: look hard now to find the pain points, or be prepared to find out later, as has surely happened with all of your prior relationships.

And yet, we go forth every day to forge relationships. Creating new ones or building on old ones.

Why do we do this?

The answer is simple. Because each of us is yearning to build our own unique version of Rome. And we know that we need others to help us complete this task.

We also know that at our deepest, sometimes even at still unconscious levels, that even in the midst of the hottest, steamiest, most earnest infatuation, that every relationship comes with equal measures of pleasure and pain.

And yet…

We go forth almost wilfully blind to the other side, because it is part of the human condition to build relationships so that we might come to know ourselves more.

The greatest version of Rome we can build is the loving of ourselves. And relationships are one of the most important tools that we humans use to accomplish that.

Do join us in our Member Level content and associated Chintan Membership Program Monthly session to learn more about other rules that govern relationships and why popular wisdom might set you up for failure.

Until the next perfect time…

Kumar and Amit Ramlall