Why Can’t They Love Me Just the Way I Am?

If you, like the rest of us mortals, have likely asked yourself this question and been quite frustrated with the lack of a satisfactory answer.

Mary is a business owner and is fed up with her husband comparing her to stay-at-home Moms or 9-to-5 Moms. She is working hard at her business and doing the best for her family.

She is feeling angry, sad, unappreciated, and beat-up. At first, it was her husband's voice – why can't you just…?

At least, that is how Mary started when she met us. She would also divorce her husband if things didn't change at home.

A little digging revealed that Mary was determined to be the financial provider for her family. She wasn't about to let what happened to her Mom when her Dad died to occur in her life. She also admitted that she was ashamed about how bored she was and guilty about how enraged she would get while homeschooling her kids during the recent COVID shutdowns.

Mary admired how her HR manager seemed to put her kids first. The most fun parties and making every baseball game. Mary worked hard to ensure her temper tantrums with her kids stayed secret. She hated herself.

We have found in our work that when people don't love a piece of themselves, when people judge themselves, it is because they are comparing themselves to someone else's standards. They are trying to live not in their hierarchy of values but according to someone else's. So, for example, Mary loved her family, provided for them just as her HR manager – in her unique way.

The other frequent contributor is shame or guilt about some aspect of their life. For Mary here, she thought that she was somehow inadequate as a Mom. She was mad at her husband for saying it aloud, but the actual attack was from the inside.

These results are that Mary tries to hide a piece of her life from others. She tries to show publicly only one side of herself- one persona she wishes others to love 'just the way she is.' Yet, at the same time, she works hard hiding half of herself; a persona is just as much a part of the whole Mary. Yet she does not love this persona herself.

Interestingly, she wants others to love the whole Mary for who she is – while she doesn't love the whole of herself. She lives in turmoil, trying to change or hide half of herself and stop others from even perceiving that half. It's a small wonder that she has challenges getting others to love her for who she is.

There is a way out of this paradox. To love you for who you are means honoring what is most important to you and being a hero and villain enough to live true to that. Mary valued providing for her family her way. And her boredom and rage with her kids were only feedback that she was trying to make herself do something that wasn't important to her.

And when it comes to the shame of guilt – Ask yourself, what is there not to love about the whole of you. Even and especially those parts you are now trying to hide. And when you have that answer, and you will – start acknowledging how that defect, as you might think of it, has created the beautiful person you are and the life you have built. Yes, those parts we try to hide from ourselves and others, those that interfere with us loving ourselves and others for just who we are, are critical building blocks of the parts of us and our lives that we admire. Her kids, for instance, got the benefits of both worlds—a role model of a mighty, progressive, inspired business Mom. And a Dad and varied teachers ensured they reached the other pieces they needed to learn and grow maximally.

So, if you want others to love you just the way you are, start by loving yourself just the way you are. Yes, it might be more challenging – but it is more rewarding and lasting.